Lost

I don't want to be sad anymore, how do I stop the sadness?

Way to young to die

Ive been really upset for the last 2 days over the death of a friends cousin. I didn't know her personally but I am deeply saddended for her family especially her 2 young children. We have attended a few of the same gatherings a few times but I don't think we talked. It's my Best friend's Brothers girlfriends cousin. Her name was Katherine everyone called her Kat. She was murdered by the father of her children early Wednesday. In front of the kids no less, stabbed to death. There just has to be a better way then just filing a restraining order to protect you from nuts. Anyway I just wanteted to post the picture of this guy I don't know if it will help not many people read me and also your not close to where this happened but its something I can do.

http://www.modbee.com/featured/story/676444.html

Song

I heard this song the very first time on April 8th it was the anniversary of my Mom's death. I cried of course but listening to what he said kinda helped me.
"Sissy's Song"

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me

Man Trouble.....

Dizzy Blonde

So I have been feeling really light headed and off balance and I feel like I am buzzing? Very odd huh, my Dr. Thinks its anxiety and prescribed me Paxil. Anyone else have any other ideas. Also has anyone taken paxil? She asked me if I was sad and of course I started crying. I told her that I was sad but not anymore than usual, and that I had had anxiety before my mom died but not since then. I don't know if I want to take medication or if its just normal to be sad, the one year mark of my Moms passing is coming up in less than 3 weeks and I'm getting a divorce and making a lot of changes in my life. I also have chronic pain from my back and I'm overweight. Maybe my life just sucks and its normal to be sad lol. I just don't know what to do? Take the paxil or not, I have read a lot of bad things about it..... I have taken a few of them. The first day i took a whole one and then cut it back to half a pill cuz I felt drunk.

so...Its been a while

So we went to the wedding it was nice. I loved seeing my family, but the acutal car trip sucked. I took my nieces Dad with me and he was a f-ing bum. He was supposed to pay for the hotel rooms in Idaho but he didn't have any money. So I paid for 4 nights hotels and all the gas besides 1 1/2 tanks. On the way home he said he was out of cash but if I would buy breakfast he would fill the tank. So i bought breakfast and then his card declined the gas so I ended up buying that too. I am no happy with him, Its not just the money I feel used.

On the way to Idaho we stopped in Reno for the night we didn't leave here until about 4:30. My Daughters Dad met us there and we just ran around the mid-way and they got to hang out. He bought her skateboard parts and a nintendo Ds and some games. Pretty cool, and he gave me a 140 bucks woohoo lol. I would think about like 7 years if he was going to give me money it would have been more but whatever, I wasn't expecting anything really. I also let him meet us in Reno on the way back too. He bought us dinner and we rented a movie in his room. Kinda cool he got a suite so we would have a place to sit and visit.

We got home on Monday and on Tuesday my kid was sick so I took her to the Dr. and they gave her the rest of the week off. I have really wanted my daughter to see her grandma for years so I called her dad and said if we could stay there and he paid for gas I would bring Sam to see his Mom. We had a good time, it was awesome for her to see her grandma. We just hung out mostly playing wii, rockband and the sports one. We went to Heavenly ski resort one morning and he started teaching her to ski. That was awesome, she had fun but needs more work lol. On Fri he got out their quad and ski mobile and my daughter got to ride for the first time. She didn't want to try the snow mobile though, maybe next winter cuz I think the snow will be gone before we get to go back. Her grandma was really really happy to see her and Sam liked her a lot. Part of me thinks it may have been a mistake but I'm warming up to it. I want a happy kid, thats my mine objective.

Was probably a mistake....

My Daughter has been wanting to get in contact with her real father for a while. I had found on her cell phone where she had been calling people from the phone book with his same name. We have had no contact, I mean none not a phone call, letter or anything for at least 6 years. There is a lot that happened, for sure I can say he was a drug addict there are other things that Im just not sure that may have happend but I never knew for sure. She has always asked about him and I have answered any questions that I knew the answer too. I am the one that asked for there to be no contact and he finally stopped. Im glad he did it made it easier but then im like if he really cared he wouldn't have gone away so easily, but that also could have been the drugs. I asked him to just leave us alone and let us have a chance at a normal life. I got really worried after I saw her trying to call him, but I feel for her and understand. I had told her that I would let her call him sometime like from a payphone. The other day I saw that his wife was on facebook so I set her up a facebook and let her add the wife. Well of course he signed up as well so I let her add him and they have been talking since Friday evening. I told him and my daugther that I am going to read any thing that is written. They can talk as long as he doesn't ask any personal questions such as our address or her school, or phone numbers. I told him that we moved back to the modesto area and i gave him our post office box he wants to send her stuff. Those are things he is going to find out anyway when he gets papers for child support that needs to be modified. I feel like damn i shoudn't have done it, but i would rather it be this way then her to go behind my back and contact him. This way I feel that I have control and I hope that she will respect my wishes. He pretty much is so happy that he is talking to her I don't think he will do anything. I can tell by looking at pictures of him and his wife they aren't doing drugs, way too healthy (chubby) lol. They talked pretty much all day, he was off work and he sat at the computer all day. I talked to him for long time while Sam was still sleeping. I told him that I pretty much hated him and i was doing this for my daughter. I really like talking about how wonderful my daughter was to someone that agreed lol. He said he had lot of birthdays to make up for and he wanted to buy her something she really wanted, i said well don't forget about christmases.

Im going to Idaho for my niece Megan's wedding we are leaving on thursday. My niece Kendels Dad is going to ride with me thank god. I think the weather could get ugly and I don't like driving in the snow. Haven't seen Kenny in years but I'm not worried he is like my brother. Should be a fun ride, and were driving right through Reno woohoo maybe we will have some extra time lol. Yeah my niece Megan is 17 and getting married for the 2nd time. I'm not so concerned about the wedding honestly i think its stupid but its a good chance to go see my family : )