Hello Goodbye!

So I am getting a divorce. Had a big fight yesterday over lost socks and me not pressing his shirts lol. Whatever he said then I was right it wasn’t going to work and said he was moving. Well then last night he came home and everything was fine, even though I was still pissed off. So this morning it was fine I was helping him get stuff together and go to the gym. Well I asked for money for laundry detergent, dishwashing tablets and toilet paper. Well he said that I could wash dishes by hand and that he had given me over 400 in the last 2 weeks so I should have money. Well its not true, Ive had like 200, not 400. Anyway I said thats fine don’t give me money but don’t bitch when you have nothing to wipe your ass with lol. So then he started bitching about how dirty our house is which it isn’t. The only thing not clean in our house is the garage. I was like well if it isn’t clean enough now it never will be so I will move. Anyway a lot of back and forth garbage and basically I said I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t go through this emotional roller coaster every day. He said the only problem in our marriage is that the house isn’t spotless. I do mean spotless too, not just clean. He wants every inch dusted everyday. A full shower, toilet, floor scrub of the bathroom. Its my job you see because I don’t work I should spend 8 hours a day scrubbing and making everything perfect for him. Well Im not going to do it, I don’t want to. That might end his problem with me but its not going to end my problems with him. I checked him email and found him writing to a girl of craigslist. The add he answered was a lady looking for friends only but I don’t care, I didn’t say anything about it but I know that he isn’t going to be happy even witha spotless house. I don’t have what he wants. I’m ok with that I don’t feel that its my fault or something that is wrong with me. Seriously I don’t think he is capable of beinghappy or I wouldn’t be his 4th wife and the man is only 40 years old ya know. Of course he doesn’t want to give me any money. He said he would pay for me to live in this house until our lease is up in May. I’m not staying her though, all it would take for him to change his mind and I would be screwed. I want to move back to Modesto, he says I am being childish because I want to be near my friends. I just dont want him to be in control of my life anymore. I talked to my aunt she has a 1 bedroom house I can rent for 400 a month. That’s what I am going to do weither he gives me money or not. He says we need to have a forensic accountant go over our assets and make me a list of my debts lol. Whatever I don’t care I will just declare bankruptsy. Of course he doesn’t want this to be ugly and complicated right. I don’t know what is going to happen and how but I know I am going. I need to be my own person and not controlled by someone else. It’s not going to be easy unfortunately I love the stupid bastard but were never going to work and I need to get out while I still have some of me left.

Oh yeah and my sister is on her own I already told her. I can't support and take care of all of us. I need to worry about my daughter and I surviving. She is going back to kingman. I just can't take her anymore. My divorce isn't her fault but she hasn't helped any I can tell you that. She knows how he is about the house and almost immediately after I clean something she will come and mess it up. Like in the kitchen she will come cook right after I clean it. She cleans up the big mess but can never seem to wipe up the crumbs or load her dishes into the dishwasher or wipe down the stove. everytime after she feeds her kid she leaves the tray dirty and sets in on my table or countertop. No way I am takinger her with me. I told her I would take her baby but she is on her own. My aunt said I could have the house but no Terri, no problemo she wasn't coming anyway.

How am I still sane?

My friend was asking me how I was yesterday and I said oh fine. Then I asked myself how are you fine. My Mom is dead, my Dad is in prison, I strongly suspect my husband is seeing someone. My sister is mooching off of us and making my everyday a living hell. My child is a backtalker and I think she is sneaking cigarettes from my sister along with flunking the seventh grade. I really am ok, I must be stronger than I thought. I'm pissed at my husband and the very first moment I have enough cash on hand I am gone. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I deserve better. Even if he isn't cheating on my, I want more for my life. I want to be with someone that makes me fell like I matter. I realize that no relationship is perfect but I would rather be alone then being with someone who is only with me so he isn't alone. I need to get a car that is in my name and paid for, which should be soon. I want enough money to rent an apartment and pay the rent for 2 months. After that I know I can make it on my own. I can do it, I don't need him. Sure its nice to have someone support you but not if the price you pay with your soul is too high. So I won't have a nice 3 bedroom house and drive a new car but I really dont care. I want to do what I want when I want to do it. I don't want to watch csi and law and order (I like these shows but sometimes I want to watch a sit-com) and never watch a funny movie. We can never go to the movies unless there is something playing that he wants to see. I don't want to go to bed when someone else is tired, or get up when someone else is done sleeping. When I want to take one route to the store I dont want to drive a different route because someone else thinks its better. My list could go on for miles but I guess i'm done for now. Whenever we spend money it can only be if he wants to. If I go to walmart and buy 50 bucks worth of household supplies I am blowing money but he can go and blow 200 on nothing and thats fine. We spent over 600 bucks on a new years eve party but less then 200 on christmas. You can guess who's idea the new years party was. I didn't even get a christmas present this year because "we can't afford it". In fact I am still being punished for having a nice christmas. He had said we could go to Modesto for Christmas because he had to fix something on our rental house. So I got all excited and we were set to go. Well the tenant decided that they didn't want us to fix it until after the holidays. Robert said we could still go but he didn't want to. He said he would but basically we could stay until 4. We usually eat around 2 then play games and talk until about 6. So he knew I wouldn't want to leave that early. So then on Chritmas morning he woke up and was like merry christmas and I nice to him so that we could have a nice day. I don't know how to say it politely lol but we fooled around. So then as soon as he got what he wanted he started being a jerk so I said I wasn't going to punish him and that he could stay home and we would just go without him. He had been saying we should go but I didn't want him to be alone on chrismas and I thought he should come with me. Then finally I got mad and was like well I don't want you to go anyway your just going to make us all miserable. So we left without him and had an awesome day. I thought it was going to be terrible without my Mom and I did cry 4 or 5 times and had to go to the bathroom or outside but it was great to see family and people that loved us. Well we didn't end up getting home until almost 2 am cuz my sister wanted to stop at her friends house and we actually ended up leaving her in town to stay a few days. On the way out of town I also stopped at my friend Lisa's house. I figured why not at this point he would be in bed anyway. So of course then the next day I don't care about him because I left him to be alone on christmas even though he always says he does not care about holidays that they are just another day to him. That I put everyone ahead of him and always have blah blah blah. We were not going to do anything if I had stayed home we would have sit around the house and maybe went to a movie.
It's always the same crap and I don't see it changing. I'm not perfect I realize that, but I need to change this situation if nothing else that I need to be my own person.

I just want to make a quick post. I am soooo ready for bed. It has been a long day and we had a get together at our house last night. We stayed up late playing a new game or atleast new to us its called Apples to Apples it was easy to play and a lot of laughs.