Tuesday, January 13, 2009

How am I still sane?

My friend was asking me how I was yesterday and I said oh fine. Then I asked myself how are you fine. My Mom is dead, my Dad is in prison, I strongly suspect my husband is seeing someone. My sister is mooching off of us and making my everyday a living hell. My child is a backtalker and I think she is sneaking cigarettes from my sister along with flunking the seventh grade. I really am ok, I must be stronger than I thought. I'm pissed at my husband and the very first moment I have enough cash on hand I am gone. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I deserve better. Even if he isn't cheating on my, I want more for my life. I want to be with someone that makes me fell like I matter. I realize that no relationship is perfect but I would rather be alone then being with someone who is only with me so he isn't alone. I need to get a car that is in my name and paid for, which should be soon. I want enough money to rent an apartment and pay the rent for 2 months. After that I know I can make it on my own. I can do it, I don't need him. Sure its nice to have someone support you but not if the price you pay with your soul is too high. So I won't have a nice 3 bedroom house and drive a new car but I really dont care. I want to do what I want when I want to do it. I don't want to watch csi and law and order (I like these shows but sometimes I want to watch a sit-com) and never watch a funny movie. We can never go to the movies unless there is something playing that he wants to see. I don't want to go to bed when someone else is tired, or get up when someone else is done sleeping. When I want to take one route to the store I dont want to drive a different route because someone else thinks its better. My list could go on for miles but I guess i'm done for now. Whenever we spend money it can only be if he wants to. If I go to walmart and buy 50 bucks worth of household supplies I am blowing money but he can go and blow 200 on nothing and thats fine. We spent over 600 bucks on a new years eve party but less then 200 on christmas. You can guess who's idea the new years party was. I didn't even get a christmas present this year because "we can't afford it". In fact I am still being punished for having a nice christmas. He had said we could go to Modesto for Christmas because he had to fix something on our rental house. So I got all excited and we were set to go. Well the tenant decided that they didn't want us to fix it until after the holidays. Robert said we could still go but he didn't want to. He said he would but basically we could stay until 4. We usually eat around 2 then play games and talk until about 6. So he knew I wouldn't want to leave that early. So then on Chritmas morning he woke up and was like merry christmas and I nice to him so that we could have a nice day. I don't know how to say it politely lol but we fooled around. So then as soon as he got what he wanted he started being a jerk so I said I wasn't going to punish him and that he could stay home and we would just go without him. He had been saying we should go but I didn't want him to be alone on chrismas and I thought he should come with me. Then finally I got mad and was like well I don't want you to go anyway your just going to make us all miserable. So we left without him and had an awesome day. I thought it was going to be terrible without my Mom and I did cry 4 or 5 times and had to go to the bathroom or outside but it was great to see family and people that loved us. Well we didn't end up getting home until almost 2 am cuz my sister wanted to stop at her friends house and we actually ended up leaving her in town to stay a few days. On the way out of town I also stopped at my friend Lisa's house. I figured why not at this point he would be in bed anyway. So of course then the next day I don't care about him because I left him to be alone on christmas even though he always says he does not care about holidays that they are just another day to him. That I put everyone ahead of him and always have blah blah blah. We were not going to do anything if I had stayed home we would have sit around the house and maybe went to a movie.
It's always the same crap and I don't see it changing. I'm not perfect I realize that, but I need to change this situation if nothing else that I need to be my own person.


  1. I can hear the pain in this entry. I know the feeling. For me, I have had to start slowly by asking for things I want. For taking charge of the things I do for myself. It's been a process. I get up alone now and spend several hours alone instead of sleeping the morning away because she wants to. I have my own money and bank account now but it wasn't always like that. I hope you start making some changes for yourself. You are worth it!!! I'm also glad you are writing this stuff out. It helps to put it in perspective.

  2. It is a hard time but I know I will survive. I think thats a positive thing. I'm not ready to give up and just accept it. I need to make a good plan and follow through so I can't just walk out the door which is what I wish I could do. At first I was like well I could try to lose weight, I can make sure I fix my hair and makeup and try to dress better. Well I have actually but not for him, I'm doing it for me. I just feel better when I know I look better. I am worth it and I know it, and I deserve to be happy dammit! : )

  3. Sweetie!!! First off, big huge hugs! I know this must have been hard to write, but I am glad you did write it. :-) It really does help to get this stuff out. :-)

    You are SOOOOOO right!!! You deserve to be treated like a Princess! Nobody is perfect, but there is always someone out there who will think you are pretty close and treat you that way. I for one think you are a great person!!

    When the time is right, you will be able to move on, on your own and on the road to happiness. You gotta do things for YOU. You ARE worth it!!!

    Hang in there sweetie!! If you ever need anything, please let me know.

    Big huge hugs!