Fear the spork

You Are a Spork

You have a playful, eccentric sense of humor. You are creative. You see the world in bold colors. You are a dabbler. You love to experiment. You aren't an expert in anything, but you know a little about everything.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatutensilareyouquiz/">What Utensil Are You?

Just checking in

Just wanted to check in real quick I have been absent, lol I wonder if anyone noticed. Everything is pretty much going to hell in a hand basket. Robert never did any of the things he said he would, and I don't think he will. So I'm working really hard and letting anything that has to do with him go. Tonight he pretty much said he is like leaving this state and not looking back and that he is just going to get lost where noone can find him. So basically I will never see him again, supposedly he is still going to bring me a fridge but thats on his way to MO where his kids are. I dont' know if he was just trying to stir up drama or what, but I think I did well with not buying into it. Its kinda screwed up because we wont be able to file taxes he said when I got the forms to just forge his signature, which I will no do. Hello its the freaking IRS I'm not going to prison. I told him I would send them to his daughters address and he can mail them back to me to file. He said no because then people would know where he is. Also I have no where to send divorce papers when i get around to it. Whatever he does is up to him, I can't make him do anything. I realize that its all in his control and I have to make the best of my life without counting on him. So basically that means finding a job and moving on.
Had a bad day with my sister too, she wants money of course and I'm not giving her any. I'm only worrying about me and my daughter for a while. She was being a bitch so I finally told her and I quote lol "Eat shit, I fucking hate you. Don't ever call me again". Then I hung up on her, and I haven't felt even a little bit bad about it either. Sam was by me and she was like high Five Mom. You got rid of 2 people we hate today. I was like yeah great, it was just my husband and my sister. I told her I should make a movie like "How to lose friends and alienate people". Oh well I doubt its that easy to get rid of my sister she will be calling again. I'm just sick of people that bring me down, I'm trying to look forward not back.
I had a old boyfriend come over last night, not the married one. I guess it was just selfish on my part. I even told my daughter I just need some attention and someone to tell me I'm beautiful lol. She kept saying Hey Mom, your beautiful over and over, I love her : ) We just watched a movie and hung out but it was cool and he gave me a great hug when he left and kissed me on the cheek, but then he kissed me 3 kisses on the mouth shhh, not like with tounge or anything so it was ok. He is a nice guy but not someone I want to have a relationship with (or sex) lol

Missing my Mom

I have really been missing my Mom the last few days. I always miss her but it has been really bad. I think it could be due to my divorce that I'm in a really bad place and miss having her to talk to. I think more though that is that i am in Modesto and this is where she is supposed to be. It's also hard because I am living 2 doors down from the house she died in. Her bedroom window faced the driveway and I have to go right by it to get to my house. It's wonderful to see my Aunts but it makes it a little harder too. One of my Aunts looks like my Mom but its funny because my other Aunt has like her facial expressions and gestures. I still think this is where I should be and I believe that it will get better with time. Dammit right now is sucking though. My Dad is having surgery on his nose and they sent him to Tucson so I am really worried about that. The surgery isn't such a big deal in itself but he has a really bad heart so that's scary.

Letting go....

So I'm having a hard time of letting go. I don't really miss him per say its just the not having to worry about him. I mean our lives were so intertiwned and now I only have to worry about me and Sam. Im not really sure if I don't miss him because I have been busy or because we talk serveral times a day still. I guess we shouldn't be talking but we aren't really talking about anything. I think its the same deal, just hard to go from being married then your not supposed to give a shit or worry about wether the other person made it home safe for the night or whatever. i find myself checking his phone log online to see if he really has gone to bed when he gets off the phone. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy lol but its hard to just not care anymore. I am really happier here just the 2 of us so its not like i want him back. I tell myself don't let this crap bother you. I wanted a divorce (still do) so you have to let go. He is allowed to do whatever he wants now, and SO AM I. The thing is I don't know how to stop feeling married. I took off my ring 2 days ago, I think I lost it too opps. My friend said oh you should pawn it and I teased that I would only get 34 dollars. She said I should send it to cash for gold lol you have probably seen the commercial on tv. I was like no they would send me an invoice back for the shipping. My ring is a cheap one we bought it at a pawn shop actually. He bought me a really nice diamond for my engagement ring and he had the ring custom made from a design he drew. Isn't that the sweetest thing, probably the only really cool thing he has ever done for me. Well that and having roses custom dyed purple for our first date cuz purple is my favorite color. I bet if you asked him right now what my favorite color was he wouldn't know. Anyway I kinda wandered off there the point is that the diamond fell out of that ring and I lost it at walmart. We were really broke but I hated not having a ring so we bought one at the pawn shop. It's a really pretty ring but the diamond was more like a sliver then a stone lol. So darn it there is no pawning it even if I hadn't lost it. I'm not sure I could pawn it though, I mean its like wedding pictures I don't really know what to do with them. I don't want to destroy them or anything but its not like I want them out on display either.

He is supposed to be coming this weekend to bring me a refrigerator and go back to the car auction with me. I went today but didn't find anything I loved or could afford. They sold a 98 Expedition for 2,500 but I only have a little over 2,000 and that means I can bid up to 1,700 because there are 12% commission fees, taxes and registration.

car shopping

So I'm going to the car auction today. Wish me luck, Ihave about 2 grand so I'm not expecting too much. I just hope I can find something that will last at least 6 months without any major repairs. I am expecting with that much money I will end up with a ford taurus. I had a 97 before and I like it but it was a pretty purple gray, theres are all white ones. I guess they are all county cars, I started about 4 of them and they all sounded good but you can't test drive them. Anyway keep your fingers crossed.

Getting Settled

Well we are moved and getting our house put together. I have been running errand after errand but as of tonight I officialy have a stove, washer and dryer and heat all working. There were a few small kinks to work out but we got through them. All the utilites are in in my name and I have a post office box. I surely can’t count on Robert. He will help me I think when it’s convienent for him or I am acting how he wants but if that stops then so will the help. Really things have kinda fallen in place with my whole move so I’m kinda feeling like this has all been meant to be. It’s almost a miricle for my Aunt to have had this house open. The people that lived her before me had been here almost 4 years and seemed like they were set to stay. My Daughter started her new school on Monday and seems fairly happy with it.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow. It’s kind of a weird situation he used to be a boyfriend about 10 years ago. We have been in contact for about 5 years now just as friends and he is married now. So I hope its not an odd situation. He says that he is in an open marriage and thats great for them, not my kinda thing but whatever to each their own. I just hope he doesn’t have the wrong idea and I have told him and I think its clear that i’m not looking for anything more then friends. I would like to meet his wife and us all be friends. I will seriously just kick him right out of my house if he starts acting stupid in the least. I’m giving myself a few months before I consider dating and its not going to be with a married man when I do.
So anyway I am loving living by myself for now, starting to wonder if its going to be lonely while Sam is at school but I guess I can always clean house if I get bored lol neah….

Update: I cancelled the friend coming. I think its a bad idea to have him at my house. I think lunch or something would be fine but not at my house.