Way to young to die

Ive been really upset for the last 2 days over the death of a friends cousin. I didn't know her personally but I am deeply saddended for her family especially her 2 young children. We have attended a few of the same gatherings a few times but I don't think we talked. It's my Best friend's Brothers girlfriends cousin. Her name was Katherine everyone called her Kat. She was murdered by the father of her children early Wednesday. In front of the kids no less, stabbed to death. There just has to be a better way then just filing a restraining order to protect you from nuts. Anyway I just wanteted to post the picture of this guy I don't know if it will help not many people read me and also your not close to where this happened but its something I can do.

http://www.modbee.com/featured/story/676444.html

Song

I heard this song the very first time on April 8th it was the anniversary of my Mom's death. I cried of course but listening to what he said kinda helped me.
"Sissy's Song"

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me

Man Trouble.....

Dizzy Blonde

So I have been feeling really light headed and off balance and I feel like I am buzzing? Very odd huh, my Dr. Thinks its anxiety and prescribed me Paxil. Anyone else have any other ideas. Also has anyone taken paxil? She asked me if I was sad and of course I started crying. I told her that I was sad but not anymore than usual, and that I had had anxiety before my mom died but not since then. I don't know if I want to take medication or if its just normal to be sad, the one year mark of my Moms passing is coming up in less than 3 weeks and I'm getting a divorce and making a lot of changes in my life. I also have chronic pain from my back and I'm overweight. Maybe my life just sucks and its normal to be sad lol. I just don't know what to do? Take the paxil or not, I have read a lot of bad things about it..... I have taken a few of them. The first day i took a whole one and then cut it back to half a pill cuz I felt drunk.

so...Its been a while

So we went to the wedding it was nice. I loved seeing my family, but the acutal car trip sucked. I took my nieces Dad with me and he was a f-ing bum. He was supposed to pay for the hotel rooms in Idaho but he didn't have any money. So I paid for 4 nights hotels and all the gas besides 1 1/2 tanks. On the way home he said he was out of cash but if I would buy breakfast he would fill the tank. So i bought breakfast and then his card declined the gas so I ended up buying that too. I am no happy with him, Its not just the money I feel used.

On the way to Idaho we stopped in Reno for the night we didn't leave here until about 4:30. My Daughters Dad met us there and we just ran around the mid-way and they got to hang out. He bought her skateboard parts and a nintendo Ds and some games. Pretty cool, and he gave me a 140 bucks woohoo lol. I would think about like 7 years if he was going to give me money it would have been more but whatever, I wasn't expecting anything really. I also let him meet us in Reno on the way back too. He bought us dinner and we rented a movie in his room. Kinda cool he got a suite so we would have a place to sit and visit.

We got home on Monday and on Tuesday my kid was sick so I took her to the Dr. and they gave her the rest of the week off. I have really wanted my daughter to see her grandma for years so I called her dad and said if we could stay there and he paid for gas I would bring Sam to see his Mom. We had a good time, it was awesome for her to see her grandma. We just hung out mostly playing wii, rockband and the sports one. We went to Heavenly ski resort one morning and he started teaching her to ski. That was awesome, she had fun but needs more work lol. On Fri he got out their quad and ski mobile and my daughter got to ride for the first time. She didn't want to try the snow mobile though, maybe next winter cuz I think the snow will be gone before we get to go back. Her grandma was really really happy to see her and Sam liked her a lot. Part of me thinks it may have been a mistake but I'm warming up to it. I want a happy kid, thats my mine objective.

Was probably a mistake....

My Daughter has been wanting to get in contact with her real father for a while. I had found on her cell phone where she had been calling people from the phone book with his same name. We have had no contact, I mean none not a phone call, letter or anything for at least 6 years. There is a lot that happened, for sure I can say he was a drug addict there are other things that Im just not sure that may have happend but I never knew for sure. She has always asked about him and I have answered any questions that I knew the answer too. I am the one that asked for there to be no contact and he finally stopped. Im glad he did it made it easier but then im like if he really cared he wouldn't have gone away so easily, but that also could have been the drugs. I asked him to just leave us alone and let us have a chance at a normal life. I got really worried after I saw her trying to call him, but I feel for her and understand. I had told her that I would let her call him sometime like from a payphone. The other day I saw that his wife was on facebook so I set her up a facebook and let her add the wife. Well of course he signed up as well so I let her add him and they have been talking since Friday evening. I told him and my daugther that I am going to read any thing that is written. They can talk as long as he doesn't ask any personal questions such as our address or her school, or phone numbers. I told him that we moved back to the modesto area and i gave him our post office box he wants to send her stuff. Those are things he is going to find out anyway when he gets papers for child support that needs to be modified. I feel like damn i shoudn't have done it, but i would rather it be this way then her to go behind my back and contact him. This way I feel that I have control and I hope that she will respect my wishes. He pretty much is so happy that he is talking to her I don't think he will do anything. I can tell by looking at pictures of him and his wife they aren't doing drugs, way too healthy (chubby) lol. They talked pretty much all day, he was off work and he sat at the computer all day. I talked to him for long time while Sam was still sleeping. I told him that I pretty much hated him and i was doing this for my daughter. I really like talking about how wonderful my daughter was to someone that agreed lol. He said he had lot of birthdays to make up for and he wanted to buy her something she really wanted, i said well don't forget about christmases.

Im going to Idaho for my niece Megan's wedding we are leaving on thursday. My niece Kendels Dad is going to ride with me thank god. I think the weather could get ugly and I don't like driving in the snow. Haven't seen Kenny in years but I'm not worried he is like my brother. Should be a fun ride, and were driving right through Reno woohoo maybe we will have some extra time lol. Yeah my niece Megan is 17 and getting married for the 2nd time. I'm not so concerned about the wedding honestly i think its stupid but its a good chance to go see my family : )

Fear the spork

You Are a Spork

You have a playful, eccentric sense of humor. You are creative. You see the world in bold colors. You are a dabbler. You love to experiment. You aren't an expert in anything, but you know a little about everything.

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Just checking in

Just wanted to check in real quick I have been absent, lol I wonder if anyone noticed. Everything is pretty much going to hell in a hand basket. Robert never did any of the things he said he would, and I don't think he will. So I'm working really hard and letting anything that has to do with him go. Tonight he pretty much said he is like leaving this state and not looking back and that he is just going to get lost where noone can find him. So basically I will never see him again, supposedly he is still going to bring me a fridge but thats on his way to MO where his kids are. I dont' know if he was just trying to stir up drama or what, but I think I did well with not buying into it. Its kinda screwed up because we wont be able to file taxes he said when I got the forms to just forge his signature, which I will no do. Hello its the freaking IRS I'm not going to prison. I told him I would send them to his daughters address and he can mail them back to me to file. He said no because then people would know where he is. Also I have no where to send divorce papers when i get around to it. Whatever he does is up to him, I can't make him do anything. I realize that its all in his control and I have to make the best of my life without counting on him. So basically that means finding a job and moving on.
Had a bad day with my sister too, she wants money of course and I'm not giving her any. I'm only worrying about me and my daughter for a while. She was being a bitch so I finally told her and I quote lol "Eat shit, I fucking hate you. Don't ever call me again". Then I hung up on her, and I haven't felt even a little bit bad about it either. Sam was by me and she was like high Five Mom. You got rid of 2 people we hate today. I was like yeah great, it was just my husband and my sister. I told her I should make a movie like "How to lose friends and alienate people". Oh well I doubt its that easy to get rid of my sister she will be calling again. I'm just sick of people that bring me down, I'm trying to look forward not back.
I had a old boyfriend come over last night, not the married one. I guess it was just selfish on my part. I even told my daughter I just need some attention and someone to tell me I'm beautiful lol. She kept saying Hey Mom, your beautiful over and over, I love her : ) We just watched a movie and hung out but it was cool and he gave me a great hug when he left and kissed me on the cheek, but then he kissed me 3 kisses on the mouth shhh, not like with tounge or anything so it was ok. He is a nice guy but not someone I want to have a relationship with (or sex) lol

Missing my Mom

I have really been missing my Mom the last few days. I always miss her but it has been really bad. I think it could be due to my divorce that I'm in a really bad place and miss having her to talk to. I think more though that is that i am in Modesto and this is where she is supposed to be. It's also hard because I am living 2 doors down from the house she died in. Her bedroom window faced the driveway and I have to go right by it to get to my house. It's wonderful to see my Aunts but it makes it a little harder too. One of my Aunts looks like my Mom but its funny because my other Aunt has like her facial expressions and gestures. I still think this is where I should be and I believe that it will get better with time. Dammit right now is sucking though. My Dad is having surgery on his nose and they sent him to Tucson so I am really worried about that. The surgery isn't such a big deal in itself but he has a really bad heart so that's scary.

Letting go....

So I'm having a hard time of letting go. I don't really miss him per say its just the not having to worry about him. I mean our lives were so intertiwned and now I only have to worry about me and Sam. Im not really sure if I don't miss him because I have been busy or because we talk serveral times a day still. I guess we shouldn't be talking but we aren't really talking about anything. I think its the same deal, just hard to go from being married then your not supposed to give a shit or worry about wether the other person made it home safe for the night or whatever. i find myself checking his phone log online to see if he really has gone to bed when he gets off the phone. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy lol but its hard to just not care anymore. I am really happier here just the 2 of us so its not like i want him back. I tell myself don't let this crap bother you. I wanted a divorce (still do) so you have to let go. He is allowed to do whatever he wants now, and SO AM I. The thing is I don't know how to stop feeling married. I took off my ring 2 days ago, I think I lost it too opps. My friend said oh you should pawn it and I teased that I would only get 34 dollars. She said I should send it to cash for gold lol you have probably seen the commercial on tv. I was like no they would send me an invoice back for the shipping. My ring is a cheap one we bought it at a pawn shop actually. He bought me a really nice diamond for my engagement ring and he had the ring custom made from a design he drew. Isn't that the sweetest thing, probably the only really cool thing he has ever done for me. Well that and having roses custom dyed purple for our first date cuz purple is my favorite color. I bet if you asked him right now what my favorite color was he wouldn't know. Anyway I kinda wandered off there the point is that the diamond fell out of that ring and I lost it at walmart. We were really broke but I hated not having a ring so we bought one at the pawn shop. It's a really pretty ring but the diamond was more like a sliver then a stone lol. So darn it there is no pawning it even if I hadn't lost it. I'm not sure I could pawn it though, I mean its like wedding pictures I don't really know what to do with them. I don't want to destroy them or anything but its not like I want them out on display either.

He is supposed to be coming this weekend to bring me a refrigerator and go back to the car auction with me. I went today but didn't find anything I loved or could afford. They sold a 98 Expedition for 2,500 but I only have a little over 2,000 and that means I can bid up to 1,700 because there are 12% commission fees, taxes and registration.

car shopping

So I'm going to the car auction today. Wish me luck, Ihave about 2 grand so I'm not expecting too much. I just hope I can find something that will last at least 6 months without any major repairs. I am expecting with that much money I will end up with a ford taurus. I had a 97 before and I like it but it was a pretty purple gray, theres are all white ones. I guess they are all county cars, I started about 4 of them and they all sounded good but you can't test drive them. Anyway keep your fingers crossed.

Getting Settled

Well we are moved and getting our house put together. I have been running errand after errand but as of tonight I officialy have a stove, washer and dryer and heat all working. There were a few small kinks to work out but we got through them. All the utilites are in in my name and I have a post office box. I surely can’t count on Robert. He will help me I think when it’s convienent for him or I am acting how he wants but if that stops then so will the help. Really things have kinda fallen in place with my whole move so I’m kinda feeling like this has all been meant to be. It’s almost a miricle for my Aunt to have had this house open. The people that lived her before me had been here almost 4 years and seemed like they were set to stay. My Daughter started her new school on Monday and seems fairly happy with it.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow. It’s kind of a weird situation he used to be a boyfriend about 10 years ago. We have been in contact for about 5 years now just as friends and he is married now. So I hope its not an odd situation. He says that he is in an open marriage and thats great for them, not my kinda thing but whatever to each their own. I just hope he doesn’t have the wrong idea and I have told him and I think its clear that i’m not looking for anything more then friends. I would like to meet his wife and us all be friends. I will seriously just kick him right out of my house if he starts acting stupid in the least. I’m giving myself a few months before I consider dating and its not going to be with a married man when I do.
So anyway I am loving living by myself for now, starting to wonder if its going to be lonely while Sam is at school but I guess I can always clean house if I get bored lol neah….

Update: I cancelled the friend coming. I think its a bad idea to have him at my house. I think lunch or something would be fine but not at my house.

Hello Goodbye!

So I am getting a divorce. Had a big fight yesterday over lost socks and me not pressing his shirts lol. Whatever he said then I was right it wasn’t going to work and said he was moving. Well then last night he came home and everything was fine, even though I was still pissed off. So this morning it was fine I was helping him get stuff together and go to the gym. Well I asked for money for laundry detergent, dishwashing tablets and toilet paper. Well he said that I could wash dishes by hand and that he had given me over 400 in the last 2 weeks so I should have money. Well its not true, Ive had like 200, not 400. Anyway I said thats fine don’t give me money but don’t bitch when you have nothing to wipe your ass with lol. So then he started bitching about how dirty our house is which it isn’t. The only thing not clean in our house is the garage. I was like well if it isn’t clean enough now it never will be so I will move. Anyway a lot of back and forth garbage and basically I said I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t go through this emotional roller coaster every day. He said the only problem in our marriage is that the house isn’t spotless. I do mean spotless too, not just clean. He wants every inch dusted everyday. A full shower, toilet, floor scrub of the bathroom. Its my job you see because I don’t work I should spend 8 hours a day scrubbing and making everything perfect for him. Well Im not going to do it, I don’t want to. That might end his problem with me but its not going to end my problems with him. I checked him email and found him writing to a girl of craigslist. The add he answered was a lady looking for friends only but I don’t care, I didn’t say anything about it but I know that he isn’t going to be happy even witha spotless house. I don’t have what he wants. I’m ok with that I don’t feel that its my fault or something that is wrong with me. Seriously I don’t think he is capable of beinghappy or I wouldn’t be his 4th wife and the man is only 40 years old ya know. Of course he doesn’t want to give me any money. He said he would pay for me to live in this house until our lease is up in May. I’m not staying her though, all it would take for him to change his mind and I would be screwed. I want to move back to Modesto, he says I am being childish because I want to be near my friends. I just dont want him to be in control of my life anymore. I talked to my aunt she has a 1 bedroom house I can rent for 400 a month. That’s what I am going to do weither he gives me money or not. He says we need to have a forensic accountant go over our assets and make me a list of my debts lol. Whatever I don’t care I will just declare bankruptsy. Of course he doesn’t want this to be ugly and complicated right. I don’t know what is going to happen and how but I know I am going. I need to be my own person and not controlled by someone else. It’s not going to be easy unfortunately I love the stupid bastard but were never going to work and I need to get out while I still have some of me left.

Oh yeah and my sister is on her own I already told her. I can't support and take care of all of us. I need to worry about my daughter and I surviving. She is going back to kingman. I just can't take her anymore. My divorce isn't her fault but she hasn't helped any I can tell you that. She knows how he is about the house and almost immediately after I clean something she will come and mess it up. Like in the kitchen she will come cook right after I clean it. She cleans up the big mess but can never seem to wipe up the crumbs or load her dishes into the dishwasher or wipe down the stove. everytime after she feeds her kid she leaves the tray dirty and sets in on my table or countertop. No way I am takinger her with me. I told her I would take her baby but she is on her own. My aunt said I could have the house but no Terri, no problemo she wasn't coming anyway.

How am I still sane?

My friend was asking me how I was yesterday and I said oh fine. Then I asked myself how are you fine. My Mom is dead, my Dad is in prison, I strongly suspect my husband is seeing someone. My sister is mooching off of us and making my everyday a living hell. My child is a backtalker and I think she is sneaking cigarettes from my sister along with flunking the seventh grade. I really am ok, I must be stronger than I thought. I'm pissed at my husband and the very first moment I have enough cash on hand I am gone. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I deserve better. Even if he isn't cheating on my, I want more for my life. I want to be with someone that makes me fell like I matter. I realize that no relationship is perfect but I would rather be alone then being with someone who is only with me so he isn't alone. I need to get a car that is in my name and paid for, which should be soon. I want enough money to rent an apartment and pay the rent for 2 months. After that I know I can make it on my own. I can do it, I don't need him. Sure its nice to have someone support you but not if the price you pay with your soul is too high. So I won't have a nice 3 bedroom house and drive a new car but I really dont care. I want to do what I want when I want to do it. I don't want to watch csi and law and order (I like these shows but sometimes I want to watch a sit-com) and never watch a funny movie. We can never go to the movies unless there is something playing that he wants to see. I don't want to go to bed when someone else is tired, or get up when someone else is done sleeping. When I want to take one route to the store I dont want to drive a different route because someone else thinks its better. My list could go on for miles but I guess i'm done for now. Whenever we spend money it can only be if he wants to. If I go to walmart and buy 50 bucks worth of household supplies I am blowing money but he can go and blow 200 on nothing and thats fine. We spent over 600 bucks on a new years eve party but less then 200 on christmas. You can guess who's idea the new years party was. I didn't even get a christmas present this year because "we can't afford it". In fact I am still being punished for having a nice christmas. He had said we could go to Modesto for Christmas because he had to fix something on our rental house. So I got all excited and we were set to go. Well the tenant decided that they didn't want us to fix it until after the holidays. Robert said we could still go but he didn't want to. He said he would but basically we could stay until 4. We usually eat around 2 then play games and talk until about 6. So he knew I wouldn't want to leave that early. So then on Chritmas morning he woke up and was like merry christmas and I nice to him so that we could have a nice day. I don't know how to say it politely lol but we fooled around. So then as soon as he got what he wanted he started being a jerk so I said I wasn't going to punish him and that he could stay home and we would just go without him. He had been saying we should go but I didn't want him to be alone on chrismas and I thought he should come with me. Then finally I got mad and was like well I don't want you to go anyway your just going to make us all miserable. So we left without him and had an awesome day. I thought it was going to be terrible without my Mom and I did cry 4 or 5 times and had to go to the bathroom or outside but it was great to see family and people that loved us. Well we didn't end up getting home until almost 2 am cuz my sister wanted to stop at her friends house and we actually ended up leaving her in town to stay a few days. On the way out of town I also stopped at my friend Lisa's house. I figured why not at this point he would be in bed anyway. So of course then the next day I don't care about him because I left him to be alone on christmas even though he always says he does not care about holidays that they are just another day to him. That I put everyone ahead of him and always have blah blah blah. We were not going to do anything if I had stayed home we would have sit around the house and maybe went to a movie.
It's always the same crap and I don't see it changing. I'm not perfect I realize that, but I need to change this situation if nothing else that I need to be my own person.

I just want to make a quick post. I am soooo ready for bed. It has been a long day and we had a get together at our house last night. We stayed up late playing a new game or atleast new to us its called Apples to Apples it was easy to play and a lot of laughs.